bulimia

oh, mia..you strike again in my life. it's a love hate relationship with you. In a way I love the way you make me feel after a guilty binge..but your side effects are life threatening.......

I haven't kept any food down in 2 days

vacation

Vacation was....different. It was honestly not my favorite. I was haunted by so many panic attack through the whole trip. Myself and my parents could not enjoy any sight seeing because of them. I'm so sick of them. I'm hoping when I start on my medication regularly it will start to make me feel better. I need to get a new lifestyle and new views on life. I don't know where to start though.

I bought some new running shoes and running pant which I hope will motivate me into shape. I really want to look different for my boyfriend. He deserves a beautiful and thin girlfriend.

I'm getting stretch marks on my thighs, back, and now my stomach. I've never had stretch marks. I will have them the rest of my life which saddens me deeply.

I can't wait to have some sort of surgery. I'm thinking rhinoplasty, breast augmentation, breast reduction, tummy tuck, and liposuction. I don't care how fake I look or how dangerous it is, at least I will be happy in my own skin and not embarrassed in a swim suit like I was on vacation.

 I have never been this heavy in my life. I want to see my hipbones once again. I was once thin and graceful. I didn't make an earthquake when I walked. This is disgusting.

I've started back purging my food. Although, being bulimic can have it's pros and cons.

Pro: it's an easy way to get rid of food and feel satisfied.

Cons: It's bad for my esophagus and makes my hair fall out. But, that's all I can think about.

weight

Weight, Weight, Weight. That's all I hear from my mom. "Oh, look at your belly." "You've got to lose some weight" "A guy doesn't want a girl that's fat." I honesty cannot help my weight gain. I don't know what happened. I guess I got depressed and substituted food for everything. I regret ever starting eat Big Macs. The are the main cause of my weight gain. I'm too tired to work out. I always sleep. I try to work out but I get so out of breath. It must be because of the smoking I do. I miss being 125 pounds & almost borderline anorexia. I guess I'll start back on my bulimia routine. That's all that really works for me. It faster. I don't care how bad it is, it works. I want to see my hip bones again & my rib cage & my spine like i used to. I want to be 115 & I will be so happy. I have horrible stretch marks on my back and thighs. It so disgusting.

introduction

Well, for starters. I am Shelley. I am eighteen years old. I live in the crap town of Big Stone Gap, Virginia. I have an amazing boyfriend that has made me light up since the day i first met him. I fell so fast with him and I don't regret anything. I love him with all my heart and he loves me just as much. I also have a love for my wonderful family. They have always been there for me through thick and thin. I don't know what I would do without them.